This is a rant about female footwear, so if you’re a guy, you probably want to tune out and come back later. What the [bleep!] is going on with women’s boots? Seriously, I don’t get it.

I haven’t owned a pair of boots since my Noconas (purchased at age 13) wore out about 7 years ago. I’ve been shopping recently (RWA national convention is coming up soon), which is never a good time for me. I’m also in the 0.1% of the female population that doesn’t like shopping for shoes. Need a pottery wheel or a hand-weaving loom? Power tools? Major (or minor) appliances? I’m your wing-woman. Shoes and clothes? Uh, can’t we just get it online?

Part of the problem is that I have definite ideas of what I want. It’s not a gathering expedition for me so much as hunting. And then they never have exactly what I want, so I have to decide amongst the “good enough” stuff. It’s tough to decide between three or four things that aren’t what you really want (and you know what you really want).

And I sure as [bleep!] don’t want 99% of the boots I’ve seen in the last couple of weeks. They have slick soles (because we don’t ever wear boots in inclement weather for extra traction, do we, ladies?), they have ridiculously high heels that taper down to almost nothing on the ground (ditto last parenthetical aside), and they have zippers ALL THE WAY DOWN TO THE SOLES! ARRGGGHH!

Okay, I think I have my blood pressure down now.

The point of a boot is to give extra traction on less than-ideal-ground and provide protection against, say, snow/water (or something ickier; I grew up on acreage with livestock, remember) at a higher level than a shoe. Got that? HIGHER sides, BETTER traction. Or you might as well wear (and destroy) the cute shoes.

Consequently, any boot with a zipper that extends below the ankle bone is useless. And a boot with a 3″ stiletto heel and a slick leather sole? Please. Yeah, I’m talking to you Chinese Laundry. And you, Alexander McQueen.

If I catch someone wearing that outside a building when there is one cloud in the sky, I will be required by common decency to smack her until she gets some sense back into her head. Or at least kick her in the ankle, right over the bone where it really stings for ten minutes or so.

Yeah, I’m fixated on ankles this week. And I’ve got an attitude right now; not a good one, either. I don’t care if they’re considered “fashion” boots — they’d better be functional first. A good pair of leather boots costs almost as much as Manolos, so if they’re not functional as boots, well, I understand Manolos also have a good resale value. Just sayin’.

Spooky Man wants me to get combat boots from a military surplus store, but there are a couple of problems with that. One, he’s biased toward anything camo (I think it’s on the Y-chromosome), and two, military footwear laces up. I don’t want a pair of boots that take 20 minutes to put on but can be worn for three days without untying.

I think I have it narrowed down to three possible brands: Merrell, Justin, and Frye. Nobody high-fashion (unless you count the Justin cowboy sister-brands Tony Llama and Nocona), but people who have been building functional boots for a good while.

God help me, I also need a new pair of heels to go with my dress for the Rita awards ceremony. Think anyone would notice if I wore boots?

2 comments so far

  1. stephaniebergets on

    You might look at Born. They are a European brand that I buy on Ebay. I’ve gotten several pairs and I love them. Lucchese also makes cowboy type boots that are fancy and comfortable. Good luck. I know what you mean about hunting.

  2. ValRoberts on

    Stephanie — thanks for the recommendation. I looked at Born, but they’re for women with skinny calves, 15.5″ or so. Alas, that’s not me; I have big fat American calves, 16″ around without socks. Sigh. They have nice-looking boots, too.

Leave a Reply

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: